I'm back in England, and I'm not sure I like it
Dear Diary. Well here I am, at 4.30 in the morning, and I haven't been able to sleep for the past two and a half hours, or perhaps longer. I'm back in England after having lived in Canada for almost two years. I'm only here temporarily though; I have a return flight in 7 weeks time. It's interesting that I can't sleep. I wanted to come write my thoughts down instead of forgetting them. I guess I can't sleep because... actually, I don't know. I feel like I'm too big now, like England is small.
The Lad in the Lane
Today I walked into the Lad in the Lane, the local pub. This was a big thing for me. I've never been there before. I've always been too... nervous? To go in. I told myself that one day, I would be mature enough, be brave and confident enough to go inside. And so today I did, and it was no big deal, just walked in and used the toilets. The bargirl didn't even notice or look at me. I should have felt elated that I did it, I suppose, but I realised that this would be silly. After all, it's only a minor thing, walking into a pub. So I just did it and then moved on.I don't think I like England, it's too... close-minded? No, not that... it has its own culture. I feel like an outsider now. There are so many different accents! It seems like everyone has a different one. There are even lots of variations of the typical Birmingham accent. There is no 'one' single Birmingham accent. The culture in Birmingham is... of course, different to anywhere else in England. It's strange, that. That there are subcultures, all reacting to each other, all the variation... it's mind-blowing. I guess I assumed Birmingham was the centre of the world, but actually it's just a byproduct of people living a certain distance away from other cities. Many things in England feel old and small... the London underground, for instance. It's so bizarre. The trains are so small, like a kids' ride at a theme park. I almost laughed when I saw the train.
The London Underground
I don't feel right, anymore. I like having this confidence, the knowing that everything here is small and inconsequential, so what I do doesn't matter. I like feeling like I know a secret, which gives me a kind of protective shield against social anxiety. I have to be careful though. I see that I had so much negative thinking preventing me from doing things. And I placed such importance on little things, like going to the hairdressers (it was difficult because of social anxiety - worrying what the hairdresser thought of me), or finding a particular brand of food.
I hate the TV here. I hate the advertising in particular. It's so aggressive. Dad keeps the TV on in the background. To me, this is even worse than having it on to watch something. When I pause to reflect on something, the sound of the TV enters my head and prevents any natural thoughts occurring. TV is what you use if you don't want to think, if you want to switch your brain off. I can see why you'd want to do that though. Living in Erdington, or even just living in England, for many years must be so difficult that the people here have to numb their brains with TV.
I'm a bit more certain now that Dad is Aspergic, or at least on the way to being so... somewhere on the spectrum. I realised he's only interested in certain things... he has niche interests. Anything else I try to talk about, Canada for instance, bores him. He likes: DIY, complaining about public services, DIY, buying things for the house, and DIY. I can see evidence he likes DIY too because the house is quite different from when I left. The extension looks good. I'm shocked by how messy the house is though. Seems to be Lisa and Adam, mainly Adam, leaving stuff lying around. Adam's bedroom is shocking. It's like it's been purposely trashed, or as if a burglar came in and emptied all the drawers onto the floor. Dad looked older. He looked more tired... his eye bags are bigger.
I miss my girlfriend, though it is for some reason hard for me to admit it. It's hard for me to admit I have emotions.
I don't know what to do now, I guess I stick to my plan, find a job, and stay here until the 30th of December. I feel like... like this is all a waste... a waste of time. Not coming back, I mean, but my life here, and everyone's lives... it's just entire lives being spent in a town, draining away. Children growing up and then having children themselves, passing culture and ritual through generations, the same ideas being turned into stone by sedimentation. Layers and layers of rock. I saw beauty today, the church that had been destroyed in a fire was rebuilt. It's a lovely church now. Modern looking, lots of glass. I was moved that in the 2 year period I was gone, people had rebuilt it.
I wish I could sleep more easily. I guess this is another problem of mine. I think it's psychological, well no, I'm pretty sure it is. Yesterday, here, I slept fine, and in Canada I sleep fine too. In Canada, I sleep better than I have ever slept. I think sleeplessness is caused by... wanting to change something in your life. Unhappiness. Things that causes you to think about them, long after you should have fallen asleep. Thinks that can cause change... important things, that you don't give sufficient importance to during the day, because of chores and tasks to do.
Me, I was thinking about how different England seems now to before I left. This of course just means that I’ve changed, since two years isn’t very long for England to change much. And I was thinking about my life, and my problems so far, and how to avoid to those problems, and how I have solutions for them, and that I hope I don't become underconfident again, and I was thinking about the meaning that there are so many people living in Birmingham, or England, and they're all different yet somehow they all share something in common, and that's now something I lack. I feel like a stranger here now. And I want to tell my family but I don't know what it is I want to tell them exactly. Certainly, everything is much more complicated, rich and diverse than I could ever describe. It's getting used to it that's the problem. I should have started travelling sooner. I feel like I don't belong here, in England anymore. It's a complete waste of time to be here. I don't think I belonged in the first place. This probably explains why I wanted to go travelling. I don't understand the people here. Perhaps I just don't really understand people, and that being in a foreign country allows me to blame it on not understanding the foreigners. Today I went into a polish shop (there are two of them in the town's high street, they weren't there before...). I felt more comfortable in the shop than outside it - since I couldn't understand what people were saying (they were speaking Polish). It seemed natural to me, after living in Montreal for so long, not to understand the main language being used.
I don't know... I don't know what to do. I feel like this place is oppressive. The culture is so thick... it's stifling. I must have spent my entire life in my own head as I... I can't understand any of it. Everything seemed large before, the distances between places, for example. But now it's small and easy, and I stride across it. So much is because of what you're used to. What's the point of all of this? The point is all the generations of people, so many of them, stretching back for thousands of years... all learning from the previous generation, inheriting ideas and ways of doing things. The ones who wanted to survive did survive, and so survival became the way of life, the meaning of life. Survival for its own sake.
Did I mention the culture in England is very strange? So rich and diverse, but I'm not sure I like it. So old. The sky here seems to be always grey and depressing. I noticed that most of the stereotypes of English people mostly seem to be true, more or less. They are polite, but only on the surface - their vocabulary. "Sorry" this and "pardon me" that, but underneath they're actually quite forceful, aggressive. Mean, evil, almost. Not kind at all. They're impatient. Greedy. Self-centred. Quite strong-willed. Like overgrown children, some of them. It must be the... the fact the country is surrounded by water, no culture can get in or out. The same stuff swilling around for centuries. They like it; they all seem to like their lives. The fact that their accent instantly tells you which social class they're from. I haven't seen anyone yet who looked unhappy. How do they live here?
Comments
2013-11-13 Oly
oh you seem pretty depressed :-o
so you come back for New Year? Will you spend it in Montreal?
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2013-11-13 Paul Chris Jones
Oui, je revenirai le 30e. J'espére que j'aimerai plus étant ici quand mon frére et ma soeur démenagont démain...
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