In the 90s, my friends liked Power Rangers, He-Men, and Thundercats. I liked an alligator in a pink dress. Her name was Trudy, and together we took LSD.
The following is based on a true story. The events have been changed, but what are you, the events police?
The Jellybean Hunt
One day I’d barely skipped through the door of Trudy’s Time and Place House when Trudy thrusted several acid tabs into my hand. Before I could speak, she put a finger to my mouth. “We’re going on a jellybean hunt,” she whispered, smiling. She gently raised my hand to my mouth, and I swallowed the tabs.
An hour later we were completely off our tits, crawling along the sidewalk. Somehow we thought we were ants eating jellybeans off a picnic blanket.
But when the trip wore off, I realized there never had been any magical jellybeans – instead we’d just been eating dirt and dog shit from the gutter.
We refrained from drugs for a while because it took days for all the discarded lager cans and crisp packets to make it through Trudy’s bowels. So to pass the time, we played in Trudy’s sandpit, building towns and mountains.
One day Trudy squealed, “Mom’s home!” Trudy’s mom turned out to be a 50-metre tall monster. She trod on the sandpit, destroying two hours of my work.
I was so upset that I ran home crying. Indeed, I was so angry that I almost never returned to Trudy’s house. But I did… but because of what happened next, I wish I’d stayed away forever.
The Calendar Clock
I eventually forgave Trudy’s mom for the sandbox incident. After all, Trudy was the only girl in the street with internet access, which I’d use to watch porn on her computer.
One day I noticed a sinister program on the computer called ‘Calendar Clock’. I opened it, and on the screen was grainy footage of a house. I rewound the footage and discovered that it went on for years. There was a little girl living in the house too. Sometimes she rode her bike round and round the house, constantly ringing the bell like a retard. Trudy had been watching this girl eat, sleep, and even undress. Trudy was a peeping tom.
Trudy walked in and caught me red-handed. I told her I was going to the police, but she didn’t like that, so she grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the garden.
“Where are you taking me?” I demanded.
It transpired that Trudy had built a functional rocket in her garden. (For an eight-year-old, she sure could show NASA a thing or two.)
Before I knew it, Trudy had stuffed me inside her homecraft spacecraft and hit the detonation button, blasting me into the sky at approximately one billion miles an hour.
When my unlikely vessel had reached orbit, I stared out the window in awe and terror. The mood was soon broken by Trudy’s comical neighbour Melvin, an obese hippopotamus who had snuck onboard in search of food.
There was only one thing to do now: take selfies. But when I whipped out my camera, Melvin jumped into the shot. “Melvin, stop photobombing my photos,” I whined, as the fat bastard blocked my perfect shot of the Taj Mahal. Since Melvin wouldn’t stop, I opened the airlock and he was sucked out into space. I wished I hadn’t done that, since he soon burned up in a grotesque fireball of fat as he re-entered the atmosphere. I still have nightmares about his silent screams. Oh, Melvin – can you ever forgive me?
The spaceship eventually crash-landed in Machu Pichu. From there I walked the Earth for months like the Wandering Jew, slowly but surely making my way back home. I spent my ninth birthday as a cocaine mule in South America and my tenth birthday as a rent boy for Afghan terrorists.
Three years after she’d blasted me into space, I finally made it home. I burst into Trudy’s house. I immediately lunged at her throat. My fingers tightened around her cold, reptilian scales. “Fuck you… TRUDY!” I grunted as I choked the life out of her. Her huge jaw snapped at me and almost tore my face off. “You’re always trying to teach me to tell the time… Well, guess what time it is…? It’s PAYBACK TIME!” Her body began to go limp. Her eyes locked with mine. She silently begged me to stop, her eyes full of fear… I almost loosened my grip… but I kept choking her that bitch, kept choking her, kept fucking choking her for well over an hour, until I fell off her body and cried uncontrollably.
When the police came, they found me curled up and sobbing in a corner of the room. A nice woman coaxed me out of Trudy’s Time and Place House with a piece of chocolate attached to a broom. And since I was under 16, I didn’t go to prison. But I have to stay at least 50 metres from all alligators.