My savings

As far as I know, my peers have no savings. They’re living paycheck to paycheck like that red-headed bitch from Friends. But not me. I’m a saver.

I save mainly because I’m scared of being homeless. In fact, homelessness is one of my greatest fears. (My greatest fear is of ghosts hiding in envelopes.) The reason I have homelessnessophobia is because I suspect I wouldn’t make a very good homeless person; I don’t have the skills nor the necessary experience. And call me strange, but I like having a house and a bed and food, and I dislike sleeping in the cold while schizophrenic drunks smelling of piss try to stab me.

homeless-man

History of my savings

I first counted my money in 2010 and that’s when I realised I had £10,000 in savings. I don’t know where half of it came from. Some of it was the remains of my student loan, and some of it was my childhood savings. But the rest I had no idea, and I still don’t know. I said nothing to the bank so hopefully it wasn’t a mistake and they won’t want it back one day.

As I wondered what to do with all the money, my mind wandered to the documentary Muppet’s Christmas Carol. In particular, I remembered the scene where the blue muppet advises Scrooge to “invest money in unit trusts… because that’s the AMERICAN WAY!” Or something like that.

teacher-from-muppets-christmas-carol

Whatever he said, the moral of the film was definitely that you should hold on to your money and not give it away like Scrooge did. Because if Scrooge hadn’t spent all his money on a giant turkey for Tiny skinny-arse Tim then he could have bought a sports car and sexed lots of women instead.

And then what happened?

I put the money into unit trusts, just like the giant blue muppet told me to. And what do you know? He was right! Because since then my money has grown like the feeling in my underwear when I watch old videos of Alizee.

alizee

The table below shows the breakdown per year:

Year Annual
change
2011 -14%
2012 7%
2013 14%
2014 21%
2015 1%
2016 21%

 

As you see, some years have been bad and some years have been good. 2011 was a bad year because my investment fell by 14%. In contrast, 2014 and 2016 (so far) have been good years, since my investment has risen by 21% in each year. The growth averages out to 5-6% each year (that’s if my calculations are correct, which is as likely as Susan Boyle winning a beauty pageant).

Of course, another market crash will happen soon and eradicate all my profits. Then it will be time to cry in the corner.

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