Six years ago, I started a gluten-free and dairy-free diet. Since then, all my biscuits, pizza, pasta, bread, and cake have been shitty gluten-free imitations of actual food. Recently my girlfriend said I should put my expertise to good use by blogging about these gluten-free and dairy-free products. She thinks there’s money to be made in blogging! Hahaha. The poor, naive girl.

But I’m too spineless to disagree with her, so my first review is for “Schär Gluten Free Saltí”. Yes, that’s its name. It’s a strange mix of German, English, and Italian. There’s an umlaut and acute accent there, both of which my keyboard can’t type, so I have to copy-paste the words instead. Dammit.

Firstly, I don’t know what a ‘saltí’ is. They don’t taste that salty. The look and taste like Ritz crackers. I’m confused and scared.

The packet also says “Europe’s No. 1 Gluten Free”. But now I’m even more confused. Does that refer to the product or the company? Also, what metric is being used here? I could claim to be “Europe’s No. 1 Paul” when really I’m only the best in masterbating. I guess we have to forgive the German manufacturers because English isn’t their first language. We should just be thankful they’re not trying to invade us instead.

By the way, I discovered you use them as monocles:

Appearance: They’re round crackers. What else can I say really?

Free from: Wheat, dairy, oats, egg.

Contains: Soy, umlauts.

Taste: They taste like Ritz Crackers but without the cheese flavour. You could put a sweet or savoury spread on them, but because I’m a rebel, I dipped them in hummus.

Price: They’re around £13 on Amazon.co.uk which is a fucking rip-off. It’s better to get them from Schar’s website instead, where they’re only £2.65. I did even better stil because my girlfriend found them on offer in Dunnes Stores for just €2.

Rating: My girlfriend rates them 9 out of 10. I’m rating them the same because I don’t want to disagree with her. Whatever the case, they must have good because I almost finished the entire pack in one sitting.

Full ingredients: The full ingredients are (take a deep breath): maize flour, soya flour, palm fat, sugar, dextrose, modified maize starch, ammonium hydrogen carbonate, monopotassium tartrate, sodium hydrogen carbonate, salt, soy lecitin, guar gum, citric acid, and natural flavouring. And if you’re lucky they may contain traces of lupin, which I guess turns you into a werewolf.