Toys R’ Us “Magical Place” advert from 1989

I have a sad life that mainly revolves around watching television adverts from my childhood. Today, for example, I’m watching a Toys R’ Us advert from 1989.

The advert begins with a car driving to Toys R’ Us. For some reason the road has no street lights. This Toys R’ Us is in the middle of nowhere! From a business point of view, it’s a poor choice of location.

We see the road from the driver’s perspective, as if we ourselves are the driver. But surely if we can drive a car then we’re too old for toys? This advert is already full of plotholes. Just like the road is probably full of potholes.

We arrive at Toys R’ Us.

Inside the store, an anthropomorphic giraffe and his team are busy restocking the shelves.

Bah. We’ll have to come back tomorrow morning when it’s open.

But wait – what’s this? There are no adults! All the staff are children?! Yep, Toys R’ Us use child labour. And they use a lot of child labour too, judging from all the kids in this advert.

The worst thing is that a giraffe supervises the children. No adult supervision; only giraffe supervision. Sure, the giraffe can reach the top of tall shelves, but it would also panic in the event of a fire and trample the kids to death.

Also, I’m unsure if the giraffe has the mental aptitude needed to restock a store. Maybe that’s why the toys in Toys R’ Us are always on the wrong shelves and I can never find anything.

The most important question is: What does the lady sing at the end of the advert?

  • “There’s millions of Geoffries all under one roof.”
  • “There’s millions of starfish all under one Jew.”
  • “There’s millions so let’s eat a wonderful poo.”

I contacted the singer, Mumblina Mumblelot. She told me the correct lyric is:

“There’s millions,” says Geoffrey, “all under on roof.”

Mystery solved! And here’s the rest of the lyrics:

There’s a magical place
We’re on our way there
With toys in their millions
All under one roof
It’s Called Toys R’ Us!
Soon after bedtime
When dark nighttime falls
Geoffrey and helpers stock up on the shelves
From ceiling to floor.
Books, board games and bikes
Teddies, puppets and dolls
Bats, spaceships and trikes
“There’s millions,” says Geoffrey, “all under on roof.”
It’s called Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us!

All in seriousness, I love this advert, especially the driving part at the beginning. There really is something magical about it. The dark and scary country lane serves to emphasize the joy of the toy shop. Or something.

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