Billboards, billboards. We pass them every day and normally we don’t give them a second thought.
Except if you’re me and you’re living in Dublin. I keep seeing billboard adverts here that make me scratch my head and ask, “What the hell does that mean?”
You look deadly in your profiler
This Sprite advert begins by calling me ‘deadly’. I think ‘deadly’ is slang for ‘sexy’, so I reckon this part of the billboard is intended to be a compliment.
But then the advert takes a sudden twist, because it clarifies that I only look deadly ‘in my profiler’. What’s a profiler? Some kind of tight clothing? I don’t know. I’ve googled ‘profiler’ over and over and can’t find an answer. Perhaps I never will – it will just always be an unsolved mystery, like the location of Kenneth Branagh’s lips.
Fewer stripes in the zoo
As if one mindbending advert wasn’t enough, Sprite made another one. This one says “You’d know it’s summertime… I’ve seen fewer stripes in the zoo”. What the fuck? It’s like I’m reading a book in a dream and none of the words make sense. What zoo? Dublin zoo? Zebras and tigers have stripes – so do they escape the zoo during the summer? Should I be scared?
I must be on the wrong track – the phrase is supposed to be ‘brutally refreshing’, so it must be an insult of some kind. Perhaps ‘stripes’ is shorthand for a football or rugby team in Dublin? Or maybe ‘stripes’ is women’s pubic hair. Like how pubic hair after a Brazilian wax is in the shape of a stripe. ‘Zoo’ could therefore mean women’s vaginas?
I’ve googled the phrase “fewer stripes in the zoo” and there’s no results. Not one. I’d suspect I’m going mad if I didn’t have the photo as evidence.
This advert just says “nasty gal”. Seriously. That’s all it says. It’s not even advertising a product as far as I can tell. Maybe the locals put it up as a warning.
Edit: It turns out ‘nasty gal’ is a brand of women’s clothing. Mystery solved.
This billboard just simply says ‘Beautiful’. No further explanation. I feel like I’m in a dystopian future. Everything is shit while there’s a giant billboard telling me otherwise.
Then I figured out that the building is a landmark in Dublin called The Custom House. So that’s part of the mystery solved.
But what’s the point of this poster? Maybe it’s advertising Dublin as a tourist destination. If that’s the case, then the billboard is in a strange location: a surburban neighbourhood, far away from any tourists. So maybe instead the billboard is trying to brainwash Dubliners into thinking their city isn’t shit.
We’d love an all-Ireland
I’m running out of billboards so I’ll have to finish with this train poster.
The advert says, “We’d love an all-Ireland. All Ireland would hate that.” At least here I have some idea of what’s going on. “All-Ireland” is a football competition where teams from all over Ireland compete against one another. But what I don’t understand is why “All Ireland would hate that”. Why would everyone in Ireland hate a nationwide football competition? Surely people love sports leagues, otherwise what’s the point of having them? Another case for the unsolved mysteries file.