Fuck you, Property Brothers

I live in Spain. Can someone therefore explain to me why a Canadian show called Property Brothers is on TV all Saturday, every Saturday? Yes, tune into the Spanish channel Divinity and you yourself can watch fourteen episodes of Property Brothers back to back, from 8.25am to 8.40pm. Who the hell is watching Property Brothers at 8.25am? Someone in Spain must be watching Property Brothers that early, probably while drinking sangria and killing a bull.

If you don’t know what Property Brothers is, then consider yourself lucky. It’s a show hosted by Canadian twins Jonathan and Drew Scott. Here in Spain, the show is called La Casa De Mis Sueños (The House of My Dreams):

The twins (though I’ve often suspected there’s really only one of them, and the other is just added in during editing) come across as friendly and goofy but that’s just a pretence to get close to the participants in the show so they can suck out their souls. They are basically the spawn of Satan: two demons disguised in human skin.

And their show is extremely formulaic and lazy. Every episode goes like this:

  • The property brothers show the participants a really expensive property, which is usually a mansion complete with a butler and a champagne fountain. The brothers then cruelly reveal that the property is way beyond the participants’ budget.
  • Then, the property brothers show the participants a range of shit “fixer upper” properties that are within the budget. These properties are usually haunted shacks that contain cobwebs/loose floorboards/serial kiler in the basement/chilling history involving children killed in a fire. The participants are initially shocked and appalled with the dire state of these properties but they are eventually won by the property brothers’ promise that some elbow-grease can turn the house into a ‘dream home’.
  • The property brothers make the property into the participants’ dream home. To add some drama to the show, the property brothers always find an unexpected problem with the house – asbestos, rusty pipes, ghosts hiding in the walls, kids’ bodies. The problem always requires several thousands of dollars to fix. And the participants always act surprised and angry. I say act, because that’s what it is – acting.
  • The show ends with the property brothers showing the participants their new dream house. The participants are delighted. Cue end credits.

Even though the brothers are identical twins, you’re supposed to be able to tell them apart by their clothing and hair. One is the ‘geeky’ twin who wears suits while the other the ‘cool’ twin who wears jeans and plaid shirts. Or is it the other way around? I think their black magic has cast a confounding spell on my brain and I don’t really know anymore.

I hate the participants too. They’re always rich, in their late 20s/early 30s and have massive budgets. I swear I saw one episode where the budget was half a million dollars. And the participants were complaining that they couldn’t afford a fourth bathroom or some other such shit. Why do the property brothers keep helping out rich people like these? Why don’t they ever help out poor people? They never will – because they’re evil.

What makes the Property Brothers so popular? The show has aired in over 150 countries according to Wikipedia, yet each episode is basically the same thing – people buy house, people do up house. So what makes it so compelling? I can only conclude that the Property Brothers have made some sort of pact with the devil to ensure the success of their show. That’s why their show is so popular for no reason and it also explains why there’s two of them: one is probably a demon who is slowly sucking out the lifeforce of the original.

If you’re reading this, property brothers – and I know you are, as you cry and wipe your eyes with your hundred-dollar bills – then I challenge you both to a duel. Accept it, if you’re men enough, and I’ll take you both on at the same time. I’m not afraid of you. The only thing I’m afraid of is your twelve-hour TV marathons.

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