A carefully curated collection of crap.

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The man in the orange suit (fiction)

Jim was waiting at the bus stop for the number 105. He was going to visit his sister in the hospital, even though he was only twelve years old and had never rode a bus alone before. He had to… Continue Reading →

Bishop Vesey all-school photo from 2004

An all-school photo of Bishop Vesey’s Grammar School.

Bishop Vesey all-school photo from 2000

Here’s my secondary school’s all-school photo from 2000. Basically, these are all the losers I went to school with.

Aston University Students’ Guild 2007 naked calendar

My university’s student union once made a naked calendar featuring some of the uni’s sports teams. Like most men, I’m a pervert, so of course I bought a copy. I also scanned the pages for posterity. You must understand that… Continue Reading →

The first time I got high

I once smoked weed out of a bong in Canada. I had no euphoria feeling. No mood change. But it really did do something to me. People laughed and pointed at me. “Paul’s really high,” they said. I tried to… Continue Reading →

The first time I tried mephedrone

In The Times, I read about mephedrone (also known as meow-meow). It was legal in England at the time. I wanted in, so I bought one gram online. I didn’t take it until I had two days off work in a… Continue Reading →

The first time I got drunk

At 17, I got drunk for the first time. It happened at a friend’s birthday party in a pub. I drank a pint, and then another. I couldn’t see what the big deal was. Then suddenly, after the third pint, everything… Continue Reading →

Unfashionable ear plugs I bought from eBay

Are you always losing your ear plugs, to the exasperation of your friends and family? Or are you a dad who enjoys embarrassing his kids with inappropriate fashion choices? If you answered ‘yes’ to either of these questions, or if you weren’t paying attention because you’re a bit retarded, then you’ll want these fantastic ear plugs that are attached together WITH STRING.

Abandoned video games arcade in Nara Dreamland

This year I went to an abandoned theme park in Japan called Nara Dreamland. One of the coolest attractions was a video games arcade. Here’s photos.

Video: Fòbia

This is a short film I made in 36 hours for a Catalan film festival. The festival is called “Just for Flowers”. The entries are supposed to include a prank on the pubic (like in the Canadian TV show “Just for Laughs”) as well as Girona’s flower festival (hence the “flowers” part). Stuck for ideas, I copied a film I was involved in a few years ago, about a man with a phobia of buildings. And no, I didn’t win anything.

Guide: Installing Windows 95 in VirtualBox

For reasons too stupid to explain, I wanted to install Windows 95 on my computer. The best way was to use VirtualBox. This software allows you to run a virtual computer on your laptop, so you don’t need to replace Windows… Continue Reading →

I hate television advertising

I fucking hate it I fucking hate I fucking hate it. The stupid voices. The over-the-top emotion. The bravado music. The stupid, fucking inanity. Every thirty seconds, a different advert, a different product, the same story. Adverts grab your attention by the throat and force your head… Continue Reading →

What is the name of the "vertical line" symbol that represents typing?

What’s the name of the blinking vertical line that appears within text? I bet you don’t give a shit, do you? Sometimes I don’t know why I bother.

Tales from my dad’s house: Where’s my fucking chips

My dad is hunting through the freezer drawers for chips. He wrenches open each drawer, paws through it, then slams it shut again. “Where’s my fucking chips?” he yells, with a hint of desperation in his voice. “That packet of… Continue Reading →

Kracie tiny pizza set from Japan

I bought this in Japan: It’s a set to make your own miniature pizzas. It makes two teensy pizzas, four petite potato wedges, and even a tiny soft drink. Inside the packet were seven packets of assorted colours, possibly Power… Continue Reading →

Fuck you, UC Davis

In 2011, a police officer pepper sprayed a group of sitdown protesters at the University of California: But that’s not what makes me angry. No, what really makes me angry is that four days ago, it transpired that the university… Continue Reading →

I can’t uninstall MPC Cleaner

I accidentally installed MPC Cleaner and now I can’t get rid of it. It’s as tenacious as genital warts and just as fun. Trying to uninstall it is like trying to detach yourself from your own shadow. It has the… Continue Reading →

Guide: How to get in Nara Dreamland

Nara Dreamland is an abandoned theme park in Nara, Japan. In this post, I’ll show you two ways to enter Nara Dreamland: the front entrance and the back entrance. It’s illegal to enter either way, but don’t let that stop you…. Continue Reading →

Strange figurines in a Japanese shop

I don’t know what the hell this red hairy frowning thing is. And I don’t like the way it’s looking at me either. For more weird Japanese figures, read this blog post – if your dare. Warning: some pictures are NSFW. Some are not safe for anywhere, for that matter.

Guide: Add videos to a past date in 1 second everyday

This tutorial will show you how to add a video to whatever date you want in 1 second everyday. (But only on Apple devices – the Android version of the app doesn’t seem to have the functionality yet). Here I’m… Continue Reading →

Where to buy natural desiccated thyroid in the UK

Here’s what I’ve learned since I received a diagnosis of hypothyroidism: 1) There are two types of hypothyroidism medication. One is good (natural desiccated thyroid), and the other is bad (levothyroxine). 2) Doctors don’t like to prescribe the good medication. This means I’m going to buy my medication online from Thailand from now on, I’m not even joking.

Fuck off, Jetstar Airlines’s booking website

It’s 3am. I’m tired. I want to sleep. But Jetstar Airlines won’t let me sleep. THEY WON’T LET ME SLEEP. I need to book a flight tonight, and I’ve been trying to book it on their goddamn website for over an hour. It should have just taken five minutes, but it hasn’t. Because Jetstar Airlines’s booking website is shit.

Days 1 and 2 in Japan

It was 8am at Barcelona airport. The sun was rising over the horizon: vivid orange and yellow contrasting a blue sky. It was basically the start of the Lion King, except the gazelles were planes and Mufasa was the airport… Continue Reading →

Video: 1 second of almost every day of 2015

This year I recorded one second of video every day (more or less). This final video encompasses my travels in Canada, the USA, Catalonia, Birmingham, London and Ireland. Now you can see for yourself just how tedious my life is.

How to get an Indian visa online if you’re a British citizen

This post describes how to get an Indian tourist visa if you’re a British citizen. Option 1: E-Tourist Visa As of 15th August 2015, India is offering tourist visas online for British citizens. This E-Tourist visa lasts just 30 days though, after which you’ll… Continue Reading →

Video: Elf carol singing

Unbenowst to Santa, elves have a bloodlust that can only be quenched with violence. The only thing stopping them from tearing us all apart, limb by limb, is the elf’s code: never strike a human unless he strikes you first. Santa once discovered this code first-hand when he,naively hit an elf with a shoe. Hilarity ensued.

Kanji mnemonics for the days of the week

This post will help you learn to read the Japanese days of the week. Well, that’s if you care about that sort of thing. If you couldn’t give two shits, then you may as well just skip this post.

Video: This is the rhythm of the night

This is the rhythm of the night
The night, oh yeah
The rhythm of the night
This is the rhythm of my life
My life, oh yeah…

And this is a shitty tribute video my brother and I made in 2013.

Fuck off, Windows 10 start menu

Remember the start menu from Windows 95? It was basically a bunch of grey rectangles with the program names written on. It was a simpler time. It was a happier time. By and large, you could find programs when you needed to. You knew where you stood with this start menu. But fast forward twenty years, and now we have the crap Windows 10 start menu. It’s a monstrosity! What’s wrong with it, you ask? There’s plenty wrong with it. Why don’t you take a minute and sit right fucking there, and I’ll tell you why Windows 10 makes me swear.

Photos of me dicking about at work (2012)

Take a look at photo of me opposite and ask yourself the following questions: Why is Paul wearing a tiny green hat? And why does he have a sombrero if he already has a hat? And just why is he wearing sunglasses indoors? And what’s up with that scar on his forehead? (Answers: St. Patrick’s Day; St. Patrick’s Day; St. Patrick’s Day; I got into a fight.)

Working in a cafe is a tedious business, so I had to seize opportunities for fun whenever I could. Want to see more photos of the fun I had at work? Of course you do! Click my face, you idiot.

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