The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

I was listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers just now and I realised, their music is really really good, maybe even the best music in the world, but their lyrics are awful, worse than than any lyrics on any pop song ever, even worse than "I don't want to see a ghost. / It's the sight that I fear most / I'd rather have a piece of toast" in "Life" by Des'ree, which is a genuinely awful lyric, and even as an eleven-year-old I knew that, but at least it's a memorable lyric and easy to remember, and the random "I'd rather have some toast" line is cute and funny so it kind of works, but I keep listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers and I keep hoping the lyrics are going to be good and memorable, but they rarely are, and it's the fault of Anthony Kiedis, the frontman and also the lyric writer.

By the way, I googled Anthony Kiedis, and the second result, after his Wikipedia article, is his Instagram account, where he posts photos of his dogs, his children, and random photos of himself, and he only has 2,071 followers. The frontman of megastar Red Hot Chili Peppers, one of the biggest rock bands in the world, and my grandmother probably has more followers.

I am a big fan of Anthony Kiedis, believe it or not, and I'm envious of his life, which he has spent mostly doing drugs and sleeping with women (he's probably lived a hundred times the life of an ordinary man), but his lyrics are awful.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers song with the worst lyrics is perhaps "Give It Way", which is a great song, but you cannot sing along to it because it's impossible to remember the words.

Here are some of the words:

Low brow, but I rock a little know how

No time for the piggies or the hoosegow

Get smart, get down with the pow-wow

Never been a better time than right now

No time for the piggies or the hoosegow? What even is a "hoosegow"? I asked ChatGPT, and it claims hoosegow is an old slang term for a jail.

When you're driving in your car, and you put some music on the stereo, what would you rather sing? "Whoa-oh, we're halfway there, Whoa-oh, we're living on a prayer?" Or "No time for piggies or old slang for a jail?"

What about the start of "Give It Away"? Surely the lyrics there must be good.

What I've got, you've got to give it to your mama

What I've got, you've got to give it to your papa

What I've got, you've got to give it to your daughter

You do a little dance, and then you drink a little water

So what he's got, I have to give it to my mom, my dad, and my daughter. What does he have that's so good that I need to share it with all my family members? A viral Instagram video? The drug Anthony Kiedis was on when he wrote these lyrics?

And then I dance? And then drink some water?

Why water?

WHY ARE THESE LYRICS SO BAD?

Here are some more.

There's a river born to be a giver

Keep you warm, won't let you shiver

His heart is never gonna wither

Come on everybody, time to deliver

Okay, so there's a river. And this river was "born to be a giver". Sounds like a generous river. Who is this river, Santa Claus? What's this river going to give me, presents?

And this river won't let people shiver. It's going to keep you nice and toasty and warm. It's a nice, warm river. Maybe it's a thermal hot spring. Or maybe someone peed in it?

And this river has a heart, too, apparently. I suppose it must have a heart if it's giving out presents like Santa Claus. But it's not just any heart, it's a heart that won't wither. Is it not going to wither because it's eternally young and strong? Or just because wither happens to rhyme with "shiver" and "river"?

How can music so good have lyrics that are so bad? It's the paradox that is Red Hot Chili Peppers. Maybe in the near future, an AI can write new lyrics and rerecord all the songs with the new lyrics, in Anthony Kiedis's voice, and we'll finally have the best music in the world.